Dear Allen, by Christian Camacho

I didn’t know before you,

that boys should be anything other than classmates

that they could be anything other than my best friend

that they would break my heart.

 

I had given you my only secret.

handed it to you waiting for the lightning to strike.

and it did.

and like lightning you were gone

instantly,

only leaving traces of what use to be

my throat swelled with anxiety and

my body shuddered like an old house in a storm

I had lost my best friend to the changing weather

 

I find apologies to be tedious

I have been trying to find the right words

for the better part of a decade.

wondering if the syllables on my tongue

would clear the grey skies to show you

that a rainbow meant safe

I kept myself from saying them because I didn’t believe

that they were worthy of your forgiveness.

So I boarded up my windows

Moved anything that could blow away inside.

I tried to protect myself

 

it would be years, before I could trust myself

before the easy drifting winds would not make me cringe.

I am writing this to tell you I am sorry.

I am sorry that who I loved confused you.

I am sorry that you decided that I was someone you could do without

I am sorry that when we would see each other again, you would be more accepting of people like me and that it would hurt.

do you know what a breaking heart sounds like?

it sounds like the eye of a storm. It’s calm

it is surrounded by chaos, but it’s quiet.

it is peaceful, but it’s broken.

It was broken.

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